The red bag over my shoulder is full of presents for my
girlfriend, Sandy. She's a beauty. I don't know what she
sees in a 58-year-old, portly Santa wannabe. She lives
on the top floor of a very old apartment building. I
hear Santa's bells jingling as I trod up the three
flights of stairs. "Ding-dong," I ring her door bell
while catching my breath. She opens the door and I'm
reminded again how beautiful she is. Her flowing blonde
hair is over her shoulders and she's got a body to make
any man happy to see her. I drop my bag as she showers
me with hugs and kisses. She objects to the Santa beard,
but I want to give her my presents while I'm still
Santa. I bring my mind back to the living room and we
sit on the couch to exchange gifts. She's crazy about
jewelry, so my first gift is a diamond bracelet.
Although it is relatively cheap from the mall department
store, it still took me six months to save up the cash.
Sandy makes a bigger fuss than the gift is worth,
probably to encourage future giving.
Sandy hands me a small box. It's obviously from that
Egyptian shop in the mall. I open it to reveal a golden
cartouche, an oval medallion imprinted with hieroglyphs.
It's about an inch wide and two inches long. It is
attached to a beautiful gold chain. Sandy is so excited
to explain it to me. "It's your name," she exclaims.
"See, 'Kenneth Rex Larsen.' The Egyptology lady was
happy to explain your name to me. 'K' is a flat bowl
with a ring handle. I think in ancient Egypt, it was an
oil lamp meaning you bring light. For me, it's Santa's
bowl full of jelly with those cute love handles."
She tickles my love handle and gets a chuckle out of me.
We both laugh a bit.
"Okay, okay," I laugh, " I prefer to bring light. I'm
sure there are others with a 'K' who don't have so much
jelly. HO HO HO."
Sandy gets more serious. "The next letter was probably
pronounced 'A,' and represented by an eagle. In my mind,
it means you fly higher than any other bird. In Egyptian
the short 'E' sound is automatically inserted between
adjacent consonants and it is probably the correct sound
before the 'TH.' They represent 'N' two ways, the wavy
line, signifying water or expanse, and the red crown of
the North. I think it means you rule over many waters.
Finally, the 'TH' is a pair of fire tongs and means
possession. You own something. You own Kenn. But, if you
put an extra 'E' sound between the 'N's like the
Egyptians would, and pronounce the first 'E' like an
'A,' you get 'Kanen,' or the land of Canaan. That's
right. In Egyptian, your first name means 'owner or
inhabitant of Canaan,' 'Canaaneth' or 'Canaanite.'"
"So, I'm from Canaan, am I?"
"I'm sure you have ancestors who were."
"No doubt. I suspect that of just about every European."
"Your middle name, 'Rex,' is a Latinized version of Ra,
the sun God, so they inscribed your cartouche with Ra
holding the scepter of authority and wearing the sun
disk and the sacred cobra on his head. It means you
bless others with your bright wisdom and you rule like
the mighty cobra. It also means you bring together the
round Yin and the straight Yang."
"Right. I'm sure you got all this from the store clerk."
"Shush. I'm telling it my way. I've been studying this
stuff for a week, so you better believe me. Your last
name is really fun. Rather than translate the letters
directly into Egyptian, the store lady said 'Larsen'
means in Norwegian that you are the son of Lars. In
Egyptian, to be the son of, or born of, is symbolized by
those three lines that come together like the end of the
Devil's pitchfork. It's pronounced 'mes' and it's part
of the names 'Ramses' and 'Moses.' 'Lars' was very
interesting. Look, if you read it backwards, it's 'S -
Ra - L,' obviously intended by your Norwegian ancestors
as code for 'Israel.' 'S' is a bar with two little
vertical lines in the middle, representing a bolt or
fastener. Your name is completed with the God, Ra, and a
lion for the sound 'el.' I think it means something like
the lion rules the earth, the sun God rules the sky, and
the bolt fastens them into one. As you may know, the
lion can represent either the 'R' or 'L' sounds. Maybe
they are the female and male powers that the God, Ra,
unites with his magic bolt. I went to the Bible and
found that Jacob received the name Israel because he was
like a prince with power over God and men and had
prevailed. So, Dr. Larsen, you are the son of Israel,
the uniter and controller of earth and sky or physical
and spiritual. You are Rex or Ra, the ultimate ruler.
Oh, Ken, I'm so intrigued by the symbolism in your name.
It means you are a son of Israel and the King or leader
of those who own or inhabit the land of Canaan."
"You know, Sandy, if 'Rex' means 'Ra' or the God of all,
my father's name was 'Rex' and my mother's name was
'Mary,' the same as the parents of Jesus. Also, I was
born at the Spring Equinox, March 20th, the same as
Jesus, according to some traditions. Add that to your
mystical symbolism," I say with a chuckle.
"Don't laugh too hard, Ken," says Sandy, I think some of
this stuff has meaning. According to your name, the land
of Canaan is yours. Have you checked into it lately?
Your property is in a mess. People are getting killed
there almost every day. You better take charge and fix
things." She smiles.
"Wow, Sandy, there's really a lot of interesting meaning
in my name, isn't there? Why don't we hurry right over
to Israel and assume my throne? I'm sure they won't mind
giving me back my kingdom. I don't see why they should
even require an election, heh heh. And, I'll just raise
my royal finger and everyone will be good."
"Well, Ken, I don't care what others think. Your name is
special to me and I kinda like being the King's
girlfriend - King Santa." She bows gracefully, gently
lifts Santa's beard and attaches the gold chain around
my neck. She kisses her King, definitely ringing Santa's
bells. Of course, I'm thinking of her ringing Ken's
bells.
"Wow, Sandy, now I've got a gold dog tag. I missed being
in the military. I didn't think I would ever wear a dog
tag."
"Very funny. I'm sure that's the world's most expensive
dog tag, ha-ha-ha."
"Wouldn't it be great, Sandy, if it were true? Wouldn't
it be great if I could do something about that mess in
Palestine today? Ya know, darling, I wish I could go to
Israel and be well-received. I wish I could go there and
help those people find peace. I wish this was more than
just a Christmas wish. Well, let's see what else Santa
has for you in his bag, HO HO HO."
***
"Ding dong" the doorbell rings.
Sandy peeps through the door. "Oh no!" she whispers,
"It's Jed. I didn't think he would be coming tonight. I
guess he thought I'd talk to him on Christmas Eve. Now
what am I going to do?"
"Is anything wrong? Who's Jed?"
"Everything's wrong. He's my husband."
"What?! You didn't tell me you were married."
"Only according to the law. We've been separated long
enough. But, he's the jealous type and he can't find you
here. I'll tell you more later. Now, you've got to hide
on the fire escape. Here, take all this stuff."
Nervously, I climb through the third-story window onto
the dilapidated metal platform. I gather my bag and
other stuff in my left hand as I grip the icy railing
with my right. I manage to keep Santa's bells from
ringing while I wait for Sandy to get rid of Jed. I can
hear them talking. Jed shouts at Sandy. Unconsciously, I
grab my mouth. The worst happens. I slip on the ice,
fall to the grate and slide off into the air. The beauty
of the icicles on the building nearly escapes me as I
hear Santa shouting "Oh Shit!"
Chapter III
